I arrived alone at South Carlsbad State Beach on December 30, knowing that this would be a perfect place for  me to be to digest the loss of Mike on December 4, and the preceding 2.5 years of awareness, concern, discovery and caregiving that accompanied his rare neurological disorder, Progressive Supranuclear Palsy.

~~~

Afternoon campground duty today made this a no-beach afternoon, so I went this morning instead after an easy no-alarm wake-up and a big bowl of fruit for breakfast.

I made no time for the beach yesterday and I did not want to miss two days in a row. The beach trips have been important to me since I arrived here at South Carlsbad State Beach. They are a good time to think and to release pent-up tears. Both activities make me feel good – they are a priority.

This is my fifth trip to the beach in 10 days. I have a favorite rock that is far enough from the staircases to be mostly private. The rock sits at the top of the tide line with a nice level back rest like a reclining beach chair. The chair seat is small rocks arranged by the tide at a perfect declining angle to fit my knee joints.

Imagine my surprise when, upon arrival at my beach rock this morning, I found the rock had been exposed by one of the high tides since I last visited the rock two days ago.

No more back-and-knee rest. No more beach chair at all! What a powerful spiritual and personal message that was! Mike is not here. His loss is incredibly painful for me in many dimensions. But….

Mike and God are living in me! I know they will be an influence to me as I do the work to discover and manage my life without Mike.

I received this Easter message from being in nature. Nature is a close connection I will always have with Mike.

My Easter song is “For the Beauty of the Earth.”

My future mission is unfolding because my mission with Mike was lost in a tragedy.

-Denise Tomczak