I had just found out I was pregnant with my first son when my brother was diagnosed with cancer.

That was 14 years ago. He passed away a little over a month before my son was born.

I was kept in the dark in order to protect the life of my son, his first nephew, only to find out weeks before his death that he wasn’t going to make it.

The birth of my son and then, two years later, my second son, kept me distracted, but within me I’m broken.

I miss him.
I miss who I was before he died too.

People who knew me before his death will often say that I’ve changed. Not in a bad way, but I’ve just hardened a little bit or that I’m numb to situations.

For me, I just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving.

Working out hard at the gym allows me to feel physical pain versus emotional pain.

I tell those closest to me that that’s why I push myself so much at the gym because people want to understand what is driving me.

I wish people were more honest with how losing someone affects you and leaves you empty sometimes.

All of my childhood memories are wrapped up in my brother and it died when he did.

I lost all of that.

I’m mad he’s not here to watch his two nephews. I just know they would have a special bond…

-Antonella