let’s stay in touch


February 5, 2020

Holding new life while also facing death is so very complicated.

My sister Miranda died on September 20, 2018.
We moved out of state, away from all friends and family for my husband’s job on October 2, 2018.
We had our first baby on November 26, 2018.

I often feel distant from my grief, like I don’t have the capacity (time or space) to incorporate any grief practices.

Even the ability to just sit and cry when hit by a grief burst seems like a luxury, as I have a 14-month-old that depends on me for literally everything.

I felt limited in my sorrow, as I knew too much stress on my body could be harmful for my baby.

It’s like I had to hold in a deep wailing that was meant to be outward and expressed.

I have found some therapy in bits of blogging. Overall, I currently feel like I’ve just been in survival mode since the death, followed by the birth. I’m still working on the pieces.

Of course having a baby is such a sweet and special time, but it was bittersweet as well. Miranda was so excited for us and our baby and to be an aunt. She had already gotten her multiple gifts.

It breaks my heart to think they will never meet in this life. 

-Natalie Vandaveer